In Dreams (He talks to her)
by Michmak
Summary: In dreams, he talks to her.


AN: So, I am still working on the last bit of Corner of the Heart, but in the meantime, this little nugget hit me. I blame Roy Orbison and a recent rewatch of the tail end of Season 4.

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When he sleeps, he dreams. Not nightmares, but they may as well be because when he wakes up it's to a world without Beth in it. At least in his dreams, she's there, with him. Smiling. Singing. Laughing. It's why he don't really sleep no more. It just hurts too much, because he wants those dreams to be reality, and his reality to be dreams. He knows the others – Rick, Carol, everyone – are concerned about him. He ain't really ever been overly talkative to begin with, but he's even less so now. He just don't got nothin' to say, so he hoards his words and waits for the night time, when he's sleeping and she's there and he can talk to her. And even then, he don't talk much, just watches her, knowing none of it's real – that she ain't real no more; that sooner rather than later he'll wake up and she won't be there, and each step forward is a step further away from her, a step further away from the person he was becomin' because of her.

He feels stunted. Moreso than he ever had before. Stunted in a way that don't involve his shitty childhood, which previous to Beth had been the lens through which his whole entire life was colored. Yeah, he had trust issues. Why? Dad used to beat the shit out of him and his momma burned herself out long before she burned down the house. Yeah, he had self-esteem issues. Why? Because he was a goddamn Dixon, and everyone knew that Dixon's were no good. Yeah, he was a loner. Why? Ain't no one but his brother ever wanted to be friends with him before, and even then he wasn't really sure if he and Merle had been friends, or just two broken people who stuck together because they didn't really have any other choice. He understood all that. He did. And sure, maybe things had changed some after the world collapsed – he did have friends, he even trusted some of them, and he knew they valued him for what he brought to the group, but it wasn't the same as what he had had with Beth.

With her it had been different; easier. He trusted her because she was Beth, because he knew she would never hurt him, because she knew he would never hurt her, because when she smiled at him he didn't feel broken no more. When she smiled at him, he felt it right down to his bones, because he knew she was smiling at all 'a him, everything he was, everything he would ever be. She saw all the pieces of him, the broken bits, and the parts that didn't fit right; the holes and cracks he had learned to live with, and she didn't care about none 'a it. And because she didn't care, he found himself caring less. Started seeing himself as someone perhaps maybe worthy 'a those smiles, and the gentle words she shared with him, and everything about her that just seemed to fill in all his cracks and crevices and made him whole; made him hers in a way he ain't never been anyone else's; made him hers in a way that he ain't never even bin his own.

He's so tired; tired of being without her, feeling alone even when he's surrounded by other people, feeling like a piece of himself – the very best piece, the piece he was just starting to learn about – is missing. The others think he's avoiding sleep because of nightmares, but that ain't it at all. He's avoiding sleep because he wants it so bad. Sleeping would be easy. Easiest thing he'd ever do, and he longs for it. Wants to lie down and close his eyes and see her face and hear her voice and never let her outta his sight again. Wants to lie down and dream of her and never wake up, not when it means waking up in a world she ain't in no more. But he can't do that. She said he'd be the last man standing, so that's what he had to be. Needed to protect what was left of their family because that's what she would have wanted. And even though he wants to give up, he knows he won't because she never did.

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Story Soundtrack:

 **In Dreams** by _Roy Orbison_

A candy-colored clown they call the sandman

Tiptoes to my room every night

Just to sprinkle star dust and to whisper

"Go to sleep, everything is alright"

I close my eyes then I drift away

Into the magic night, I softly say

A silent prayer like dreamers do

Then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you

In dreams I walk with you

In dreams I talk to you

In dreams you're mine all of the time

We're together in dreams, in dreams

But just before the dawn

I awake and find you gone

I can't help it, I can't help it if I cry

I remember that you said goodbye

It's too bad it only seems

It only happens in my dreams

Only in dreams

In beautiful dreams.


End file.
